Question for BS were you the one to end the relationship or was it ...

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Yesterday, 08:57 AM	? #2 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2012 Location: Near Chicago, USA Posts: 354	Quote: I was recently thinking about this, how many BSs out there were actually the ones who ended there relationship. Most affairs seem to follow the same path, The WS becomes infatuated with the affair partner and either leave the BS for their affair partner or eventually ends the affair (The latter being the most common in my opinion) But I don't read "many" stories where Upon D-Day or after an attempt at recovery the BS ends the relationship and I was wondering why that is. So I thought I would ask do you all do you really think most affairs can be recovered from?? also when a recovery/marriage fails because of infidelity do you think it's because the BS wants it to or because the WS does?? I am the BS. I filed for divorce after a six month false recovery, in which my cheater spouse was not remorseful and expected me to be over his emotional, physical and financial infidelity. I think a lot more marriages eventually fail. It may take five years or ten years but eventually the BS walks away. You don't hear about this on the internet because most sites are making money trying to instill hope that they can save your marriage. I think the failure rate is far higher than reported. MC can not save a marriage. It may delay a divorce and the counselors my never learn of that eventual divorce so the stat becomes that they saved the marriage. I think what happens is that it takes the deception of an affair awhile to sink into the brain of the faithful. Once it does they start to see how they were gaslighted by the cheater and the MC's into taking way too much responsibility for problems in the marriage. IMO, in reality cheaters are selfish self absorbed people. Such people never change. It is part of their core personality. It may have been instilled in childhood by over indulgent parents, or it may be something inborn. Eventually the faithful spouse realizes how selfish their cheater spouse is and when they do, rather than cheat, they seek a divorce. I do think many faithful spouses stay longer than they should, but than eventually wake up.
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Yesterday, 09:13 AM	? #4 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: SEPA Posts: 6,204	Quote: So I thought I would ask do you all do you really think most affairs can be recovered from?? also when a recovery/marriage fails because of infidelity do you think it's because the BS wants it to or because the WS does?? actually I don't think most affairs can be recovered from, it takes true remorse from the WS and you don't see that as often as you see either rug-sweeping, deeper underground affairs or D. Chap throws around a 30% R rate and it would be silly to assume all R's are real, I would probably think about half of them truly are. So it would put the "real" recovery rate at around 15%. as to the 2nd question- Both have to want R for it to work so that means the WS has to work for years at helping the BS heal and the BS has to value the relationship and WS enough to go through the pain and forgiveness. So I can't honestly tell you who bails more, it's a tough road for both parties. I would think a WS doesn't "bail" by starting D process as often, but their actions will often cause the BS to bail (either by cake eating, rugsweeping, non-transparency, trickle truth, etc) So while you probably don't see the WS filing as often as the BS, their actions are the driving force regardless.
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Yesterday, 09:32 AM	? #5 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2012 Location: Near Chicago, USA Posts: 354	Quote: I would think a WS doesn't "bail" by starting D process as often, but their actions will often cause the BS to bail (either by cake eating, rugsweeping, non-transparency, trickle truth, etc) So while you probably don't see the WS filing as often as the BS, their actions are the driving force regardless. Exactly. IMO, cheaters are cowards. They want to end the marriage but since they are into the blame game. They want to force the faithful spouse to divorce them, hence they provoke them. Most cheaters desperately want to see themselves as good people. They are not. But to maintain their good person image, they continually emotionally abuse the spouse in ways that are not obvious to outsiders and when this provokes the faithful spouse to Divorce, the cheater can claim he tried to reconcile, when, in reality he did not. Also, they can retain their fantasy of being a good person. Emotional abuse that is not obvious to an outsider is called ambient abuse and it can be very destructive to the faithful spouse.
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Yesterday, 09:39 AM	? #7 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: MI Posts: 208	Quote: I am the BS. I filed for divorce after a six month false recovery, in which my cheater spouse was not remorseful and expected me to be over his emotional, physical and financial infidelity. I think a lot more marriages eventually fail. It may take five years or ten years but eventually the BS walks away. You don't hear about this on the internet because most sites are making money trying to instill hope that they can save your marriage. I think the failure rate is far higher than reported. MC can not save a marriage. It may delay a divorce and the counselors my never learn of that eventual divorce so the stat becomes that they saved the marriage. I think what happens is that it takes the deception of an affair awhile to sink into the brain of the faithful. Once it does they start to see how they were gaslighted by the cheater and the MC's into taking way too much responsibility for problems in the marriage. IMO, in reality cheaters are selfish self absorbed people. Such people never change. It is part of their core personality. It may have been instilled in childhood by over indulgent parents, or it may be something inborn. Eventually the faithful spouse realizes how selfish their cheater spouse is and when they do, rather than cheat, they seek a divorce. I do think many faithful spouses stay longer than they should, but than eventually wake up. 5 years R here, filing for divorce this week. Everything you said could not have been any better. Selfish. That's all they are. They don't care, its all about them. Serial cheaters are the worst.
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Yesterday, 10:02 AM	? #9 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2012 Location: Near Chicago, USA Posts: 354	Quote: 5 years R here, filing for divorce this week. Everything you said could not have been any better. Selfish. That's all they are. They don't care, its all about them. Serial cheaters are the worst. IMO, a lot of people try too long to reconcile because they want to believe it is a possibility and that all the pablum about a marriage being better after learning of an infidelity. That's Bull hockey, IMO, a marriage is never better for the BS after cheating. It's only better for the cheater. He/she got the thrill of a new dating and/or sexual relationship, plus they get to keep their loyal faithful spouse. A spouse who all too willingly accepts blame and tries hard to make things better for the cheater. What does the loyal spouse get. Nothing but heart ache, a bad case of post infidelity PTSD, a spouse that they can never trust again, a marriage that is a sham and never the same as it was prior. A marriage is supposed to be a safe harbor from the stresses of the world, a place where you can feel safe and loved. No one said a marriage is going to be easy. It's work, but both went in knowing that and still agreeing to forsake all others. After infidelity the marriage is anything but that for the loyal spouse. Your spouse already forsook you for another, and if they were bad mouthing you to the OP, then they were all too willingly stabbed you in the back. Nothing will ever change that.
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Yesterday, 10:28 AM	? #12 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2012 Location: Michigan Posts: 434	Well, that's very comforting. I'm glad I don't feel that way about my marriage... and I'm glad my husband doesn't either. I know, this was specifically about which partner chose to end the relationship, if it ended. But reading the replies... I understand why there is hurt, anger, and even resentment... but saying, or implying, that a WS will never change is untrue. In saying that, the implication is that my marriage is going to fail (both of us had EAs), Entropy's will fail, Sigma's will, etc. I don't believe it. I believe that if both are willing to work at the marriage, it can be rebuilt. Yes, the majority of the work is on the WS, but the BS has to be willing to forgive... to truly forgive. I disagree with the idea that any who have been plagued by unfaithfulness are doomed to fail. I think it will fail if they settle back into old patterns again, but not if they truly work on fixing it. But that's JMO. Sorry if this seems to be attacking. I DO understand that sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I just disagree with the thought that it ALL ends no matter what. If that wasn't the intent, then I apologize.
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Yesterday, 10:44 AM	? #14 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2012 Location: Near Chicago, USA Posts: 354	Quote: Well, that's very comforting. I'm glad I don't feel that way about my marriage... and I'm glad my husband doesn't either. I know, this was specifically about which partner chose to end the relationship, if it ended. But reading the replies... I understand why there is hurt, anger, and even resentment... but saying, or implying, that a WS will never change is untrue. In saying that, the implication is that my marriage is going to fail (both of us had EAs), Entropy's will fail, Sigma's will, etc. I don't believe it. I believe that if both are willing to work at the marriage, it can be rebuilt. Yes, the majority of the work is on the WS, but the BS has to be willing to forgive... to truly forgive. I disagree with the idea that any who have been plagued by unfaithfulness are doomed to fail. I think it will fail if they settle back into old patterns again, but not if they truly work on fixing it. But that's JMO. Sorry if this seems to be attacking. I DO understand that sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I just disagree with the thought that it ALL ends no matter what. If that wasn't the intent, then I apologize. What we are saying is that the number of marriages that survive infidelity is much lower than reported by MCs or marriage saver sites. There is no statistical follow though, and has been mentioned many those who decide to divorce five years later, never come back to sites like this or to a MC. Also, what we are saying is that the marriage will NEVER be better for the loyal spouse. It may survive, but it will not be better for the loyal spouse as some marriage saver sites or counselors (all of whom make money off of perpetuating that belief) are saying. You trusted someone, and now you can't. You thought you were special and now you know you're not. How in heck does that make things better for the loyal spouse In the case where both spouses cheated. Maybe it can work better. I don't know, at least two disloyal spouse know how it feels and have a level playing field.
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